Clark Kent and the Beanstalk
by Daniel Fielder
Summary: When a famine hits the home of a group of friends, Clark, Oliver, and Bruce, they stumble upon magic beans that lead them to an amazing land.
1. My What a Happy Day

Something I couldn't resist writing.

Disclaimer: Mickey and the Beanstalk belongs to Walt Disney, and Smallville and any other DC character I use belongs to DC Comics, Warner Brothers, and the CW.

* * *

 **Clark Kent and the Beanstalk**  
Chapter 1: My What a Happy Day

Clark Kent was putting his son Conner to bed with his best friends, Oliver Queen and Bruce Wayne as they was putting their children, Ollie's son Roy, and Bruce's son Terry to bed as their wives Lois Lane, Chloe Sullivan, and Tess Mercer were about to leave.  
"Now boys, for once get them to sleep by their bedtime." Lois said with a smile.  
"Good night kids." Chloe said as she blew the children a kiss.  
"Good night, honey." Tess said as she waved to Terry.  
"Good night Aunt Chloe." Conner said.  
"Good night Mommy." Roy said.  
"Good night Mrs. Queen." Terry said.  
"Now go to sleep kids." Clark said.  
"Could you tell us a story, Daddy?" Conner asked.  
"Well, I guess one wouldn't hurt." Clark answered.  
"Yay!" Roy called out. "Isn't that cool Unca Bruce?"  
"Well..." Bruce said. "Uh... No."  
"This is a story everyone should hear." Clark said.  
"Yeah, but not everyone should tell it, and you know who." Bruce said.  
"Well I'm gonna tell it anyway." Clark said.  
"Alright, suit yourself." Bruce said with a sigh.  
"Now, once upon a time-" Clark began before Oliver interrupted.  
"Funny how nothing happens now-a-days." Oliver mused before he stopped when Clark glared at him.  
"Now, once upon a time there was a place called Happy Valley." Clark began again. "It was called Happy Valley because everyone who lived there was happy."  
"That makes sense." Oliver said with a smile.  
"Okay kids, now close your eyes and tell me if you can picture it." Clark said.  
"I think I can." Conner said.  
"Me too." Roy and Terry added.  
"It's all nice and green with a lot of hills." Conner said.

Happy Valley was often called Nature's garden spots, nestled among green rolling hills. A lovely brook, the laughing brook, flowed through the valley. Winding roads connected the valley with stately trees lining them. They also connected the lush fields and prosperous farms that dotted the landscape, and on a hill top over-looking the valley and shining like a jewel stood a magnificent castle, and three precious princesses lived in the castle. One was the fair maiden Tess Mercer who made fair rules and kept the country clean. Her fellow princesses were Chloe Sullivan and Lois Lane. While Chloe helped keep the peace, Lois kept the country bright, cheerful, and happy with her beautiful singing voice. Men, women, and children came from all over the world, feeding the country's trade, just to hear her beautiful voice.  
 _My... What a happy day.  
What a sunny sky.  
Kinda make you sigh  
in a happy way.  
What a very merry day...  
All the world is gay.  
When your cares are light.  
And your heart takes flight.  
And you're swept away.  
The air is sweet with clover.  
The clouds are turning over.  
Oh yes they're turning over  
Just to show their silver lining.  
My what a happy day...  
Never knew such bliss.  
Never read of this in a book or play!  
What a lovely day!  
What a great big gorgeous, sumptuous, thumping, bumptious, hum-galumptious, simply scrumptious!  
My what a happy day!  
_When Lois would sing, all the farmers would join in as well, and their work got twenty times quicker.  
 _My what a happy day...  
Never knew such bliss.  
Never read of this in a book or play!  
What a lovely day!  
What a great big gorgeous, sumptuous, thumping, bumptious, hum-galumptious, simply scrumptious!  
Oh me, oh my, what a happy day!  
_The voice of Lois cast a magic spell of joy and prosperity throughout the land, but it was too good to last, for one day a mysterious shadow crept over the valley and something dreadful happened.

Lois, Chloe, and Tess were talking. They weren't biologically sisters, but they had been raised in the same home for so long that they couldn't have been closer if they were. When the sky got surprisingly dark, they all screamed and tried to run, but they were caught by the creature who had caused the darkness grabbed them, and they knew no more for a long time.

When the shadow lifted, Lois and her sisters were gone. No longer was the valley happy, for without the magic of Lois' voice, Chloe's economic know how, and Tess' wise guidance, all was misery... Misery... Misery.  
The grass fields and trees all became a depressing reddish color as the desolation spread throughout the land and everything dried up. The fields of corn turned to dust almost before you could say kerplop. The Laughing Brook flowed no more, and what little water remained fell down the cracks that appeared in the river bed.  
To think that this land was once happy valley, and now it was little better than gruesome gulch.  
Days passed. Then weeks passed. Then months past.

A group of humble peasants, three orphaned boys, were hit the hardest. All they had was a cow who had dried up with the Laughing Brook. The three boys were all that were left of three proud families who had tilled the land together. Among them were Clark Kent and his closest friends, Oliver Queen and Bruce Wayne. The house was so much to handle for the three boys that it was in a derelict state with one of the doors having fallen off very recently. The three poor farmers sat at the dinner table as they were on the edge of starving to death. By some combination of miracles and careful planning, the three were still alive, still breathing, and sharing a pitiful crust of bread between them. Clark made as thin cuts with his knife as he could to save the last loaf of bread they had for as long as they could.  
Were their spirits broken? Did they lose hope? Yes. The three teenagers were facing famine and were left only with beans... Well _a_ bean by now. One bean to split between three people. Clark cut it as thinly as possible until there were three semi-thin bean slices that barely made the bread bulge. The only bright side anyone could have found was that at least the bean didn't have any bones. Bruce, though still muscular, had become gaunt from lack of food, becoming a bag of bone and weakening muscles. A true picture of despair, but Bruce never whimpered. Bruce never gave up.  
"SHUT UP!" Bruce called out. "I CAN'T STAND IT!"  
Bruce then grabbed as many plates as he could and attempted to eat them like a sandwich before Clark and Oliver grabbed him and pulled the dishes away.  
"Okay Bruce, easy now." Clark said as Oliver and Clark rubbed his back in an attempt to calm him. "Easy now."  
"Don't worry guys." Bruce said with a heavy sigh as he breathed hard from the rush of adrenaline. "Yeah... I'll be alright. I'll be alright."  
Bruce said he'd be alright, but Clark wondered. Bruce had suffered too much. Oliver, knowing how Bruce got when he was riled wondered what plan was forming in the mind of the desperate Bruce.  
Bruce meanwhile saw the axe they had used to chop down wood and got a sinister smile on his face as he slipped away and grabbed it.  
"BRUCE NO!" Clark called out in alarm when he saw the empty space where the axe usually hung.

"Here cowsie-wowsie." Bruce said in a raspy, demented voice as he approached the cow. "Nice old cowsie-wowsie."  
"Bruce!" Clark called out as Bruce suddenly shouted out and lunged at the cow with the axe. The cow mooed in alarm and jumped onto a tree as Clark pulled the axe out of Bruce's hand, and he then began chewing on the tail before Oliver and Clark grabbed Bruce and held him down.  
"But guys..." Bruce panted as he began to come back to his senses. "I've just gotta eat. I'm so... Hungry."  
Oliver and Clark helped Bruce into the house where he rested on the couch.

* * *

Aw, poor Bruce.


	2. Beans

Chapter 2: Beans

Clark was holding Bruce down to demonstrate the story as the children giggled.  
"Poor Bruce was completely out of his head." Clark said. "It was a pitiful sight to see Bruce deteriorate after weeks without food. Poor Bruce."  
"Yeah, poor me." Bruce said after Clark let go.  
"It was all they could do to restrain him." Clark said. "Poor Bruce had just about reached the end of his rope. They were definitely in a sorry predicament."  
"Bruce may have gone nuts, but he had the right idea." Oliver said. "Kill the cow."  
"Oh no, Unca Ollie!" Conner shouted. "The cow was your best friend."  
"Well a friend in need is a friend indeed." Bruce said.  
"So what?" Clark asked.  
"So, they need some steak." Oliver said plainly.  
"No!" Terry whined. "If you kill the cow, I'm not gonna listen to the story."  
"Relax son, I was just teasing." Bruce said.  
"You always did have a morbid sense of humor." Clark said with a smile. "Anyway, they eventually decided to sell the cow."

Things began to look much brighter for the boys after Clark went to a village to sell the cow. The thought of prosperity after going so long without it brought a smile to Oliver and Bruce's faces.  
"Hey look!" Oliver called out as he and Bruce acted out all the food they would eat after Clark returned with the money.  
 _Turkey, lobster, sweet potato pie!  
Pancakes piled up 'til they reach the sky.  
_Bruce hummed along as his high spirits had helped get him back to normal.  
 _Oh... I wanna eat and eat and eat and eat  
And eat until I die.  
Turkey, lobster, sweet potato pie!  
Pancakes piled up 'til they reach the sky.  
Lots of starches.  
Lots of greens.  
Fancy chocolate covered-  
_"Beans!" Clark called out as he held up a dingy yellow box.  
"What do you mean beans?" Oliver asked.  
"I sold the cow for some magic beans." Clark said.  
"Beans?!" Bruce called out angrily. "We were better off than that a month ago!"  
"But Bruce, these aren't ordinary beans." Clark insisted. "They're magic beans. If you plant these beans in the light of a full moon, do you know what'll happen?"  
"Yes, we'll get more beans!" Bruce said testily as he grabbed the box and threw it in a corner as the four beans fell into a hole there. "Magic beans! Humbug!"

Later that night, Clark rested in one of the cots in his, Bruce, and Oliver's room. How could he have been so stupid?  
 _Magic beans. Light of a full moon._ Clark thought angrily. _How could I have fallen for that? Maybe I'll wake up in the morning to find the whole disaster was a dream.  
_ Clark then went to bed having given up his ration for his foolishness.

But it wasn't as foolish as Clark thought as the night's full moon shone on the very spot the beans had fallen in through a nearby window. A small green stalk popped out of the hole and began to twist around. It then grew through two small holes into the boys' room and went close to Oliver's mouth as it went onward. It then went past Clark's bed, taking his blanket with him and leaving behind a leaf that caught on Clark's foot. It then went up to the top bunk where Bruce slept and tickled his bare feet with its vines.  
The beanstalk then burst out of the doors and windows of the house until it lifted the whole thing up. As it continued to grow, the house crumbled, leaving only the three boys. Clark ended up spending the rest of his sleep on a large leaf. Bruce ended up protected by a large vine coil he ended up falling into. Oliver rested on a large vine face down.  
And all through the night it continued to grow onward and upward.

* * *

Oliver: That beanstalk was a menace to aviation.  
Conner: What's aviation?  
Clark: Airplanes.  
Conner: Oh.  
Me: I love this story.


	3. On Top of the Beanstalk

Chapter 3: On Top of the Beanstalk

At dawn, Clark, Oliver, and Bruce woke up to find themselves on top of a giant bean stalk starring up at a huge castle sitting on what appeared to be a floating island hidden by clouds.  
"Hey, I was right." Clark said with a smile.  
"Yeah you were." Bruce said. "Look Clark, I'm sorry."  
"It's alright." Clark said. "It's not like this happens every day."  
"Cool." Oliver said.  
They then headed out and wondered who lived there. Man or monster? Friend or foe? A princess or a dragon?  
They all knew one thing. Three things drew the three boys to the castle. Hunger, desperation, and a love of adventure.  
It was a fantastic experience as there were caterpillars as big as dogs and butterflies as large as eagles.  
"Wouldn't it be amazing if mortal man never set foot here before?" Clark asked.  
"Well somebody did." Bruce said as Oliver fell into a large foot print.  
"Oh man." Oliver said as he got out. "Who made those?"  
"Well it wasn't Cinderella." Bruce said calmly. Hopefully it was something friendly.  
Soon they arrived at a moat that surrounded the castle, so they took a peapod and made it into a boat as the three took some willows and rowed towards the castle.  
Then suddenly without warning up in the sky dragon flies the size of fighter planes arrived.  
"Great Krypton!" Clark called out. "What whoppers."  
"No kidding." Bruce said. "Hey, I got an idea! Hey, long noise! Over here!"  
"Bruce!" Oliver began before the dragon fly dove in, and all three boys ended up right at the steps of the castle. "Smart thinking."  
"Okay, how are we gonna climb these steps?" Clark asked.  
"How about you get on my back, and we'll hoist Bruce up? Then he can pull us up and so on and so forth."  
Everyone agreed to this and began to slowly make their way up the stairs. This was the most exciting part of their journey so far. Forgotten was their hunger. Forgotten was their fear. The young boys never faltered and eventually made it to the top step.  
They then wondered two things, what mystery lay behind the cold walls of the castle, and what dark spell hovered over this gloomy place.  
Clark then went up and knocked on the door as he pulled off his mask, but no one came. They wondered if they should go in, but eventually they decided to risk it. They walked in and found themselves in an enormous entry hall, easily twenty times as big as any normal room. It was also as silent as a tomb. Oliver was the last to go through and ended up having to spend a few moments putting his pants back on.  
In an enormous dining room, they looked up to see an enormous pile of food.  
"FOOD!" Bruce called out in joy. "Let me at it!"  
They then ran up the winding carving on a table leg and began eating whatever they could find. Oliver began eating peas the size of basket balls and moved to jell-o that he could swim through. Oliver then crashed into a thing of walnuts as he came out.  
"Who's there?" A very familiar voiced asked from a chest.  
As she said that, two girls, one blond and one auburn, who both wore maid outfits, walked out.  
"Is anyone here?" The blond girl asked.  
"That's Princess Lois's voice!" Clark called out. "And those maids are Princess Tess and Princess Chloe!"  
"Yahoo!" Bruce called out.  
"How'd you two get here?" Clark asked as he looked in through the keyhole and saw Lois' lovely hazel eyes and brown hair.  
"We were kidnapped by a wicked giant." Lois said.  
"Oh." Clark said before it sunk in. "A giant?!"  
"A giant?!" Bruce cried out.  
"A giant?!" Oliver called out.  
"A giant." Tess and Chloe confirmed.

* * *

Well... Things look bad, don't they?


	4. The Giant

Chapter 4: The Giant

"A giant?!" Conner asked in alarm.  
"A giant?!" Lana asked in the same voice.  
"A giant?!" Terry asked also.  
"A giant." Bruce said as he nodded his head.  
"Bigger than forty men." Clark said.  
"Wow." Lana said.  
"A giant that had the power to turn himself into anything, man or beast." Clark said.  
"Wow." Conner said.  
"It was the giant that kidnapped the princesses and brought ruin to Happy Valley." Clark explained.  
"But why did the giant want to kidnap the princesses?" Conner asked.  
"Because he was cruel and selfish." Clark explained. "He didn't care what happened to the valley. He just wanted someone to sing him to sleep and keep house for him."  
"Couldn't he have just done it himself?" Terry asked.  
"You see son, when you're cruel and selfish, you don't like doing a lot of things for yourself." Bruce explained.  
"Oh." Terry said.  
"Well anyway, back to the story." Clark said.

Just after learning about the giant, they heard a loud booming voice say...  
"Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! Fee fi fo fum!"  
The giant, a man in a black muscle shirt arrived bouncing a large ball.  
 _Fee fi fo fum!  
Hee hi ho hum!  
I'm a most amazing guy!  
A most amazing guy am I!  
Fee fi fo fum!  
Hee hi ho hum!  
I'm stuff I'm telling you,  
For here's what I can do!  
I can change myself into an elf.  
Fly up high like a birdie.  
I can disappear into atmosphere.  
'Cause I know the magic wordies.  
Fi fo fee foy!  
Fee fee-fee fee._  
"Fi-Fi?" The giant asked after a minute. "I don't know no Fi-Fi."  
He thought for a moment.  
"Fee fi fo fum." The giant said. "I smell..."  
The three boys hid as Tess and Chloe got close to the chest, and the giant grabbed a large pot and smiled.  
"Pot roast!" The giant called out happily. "Chocolate pot roast. With pestachimo, with pestachi- with pista- With green gravy."  
The giant then made himself a sandwich with some cheese Oliver was hiding behind, some lettuce Bruce was hiding in, and a large chicken leg, which Clark ended up being put into. He then poured some pepper on the sandwich which caused Clark to sneeze and cause his head to poke out.  
"Um... Hi." Clark said nervously before he rushed off.  
"Oh no you don't!" The giant called out. "You can't get away from Basil Karlo!"  
Karlo then grabbed Clark.  
"I've got ya!" Karlo said as he didn't hear anything. "I think I got ya."  
Karlo then looked inside his fist.  
"Yeah, I got ya." Karlo said.  
"Basil..." Clark said with a smile as he gestured Karlo to look.  
"What is it?" Karlo asked. "What is it?"  
Karlo opened his hand as Clark walked on his life line.  
"Ten, twenty, thirty, forty." Clark counted. "Boy what a lifeline."  
"Well what's this here?" Karlo asked as he pointed at a spot on his lower palm.  
"Oh, I can't believe it!" Clark said in mocked surprise.  
"Is it bad?" Karlo asked.  
"Well it says here that you can change yourself into anything." Clark said.  
"Sure!" Karlo said with a wide smile. "You wanna see me? I can change myself into the darndest things! Go on, give me something. Anything."  
"Anything?" Clark asked.  
Anything." Karlo answered. Clark then looked around and saw a flyswatter. This gave him an idea.  
"Can you change into a fly?" Clark asked.  
"A cute teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy house fly?" Karlo asked.  
"That's it." Clark said. "A house fly."  
"Ah, you don't want a fly." Karlo said. "How about a bunny with long pink ears?"  
"Well of course if you can't do a fly then-" Clark said before Karlo conceded.  
"Alright, a fly." Karlo said. "Why?"  
"Well uh... Because." Clark said.  
"Alright." Karlo said. "A teeny-weeny fly. With pink wings. Now for the magic wordies! Fee fi fo fum! Hee hi ho hum!"  
While Karlo was doing this, Clark called Oliver and Bruce out of hiding and prepared to use the flyswatter on the giant when he instead turned into a huge pink rabbit.  
"You sure you don't want a pink bunny?" Karlo asked before he noticed what they were holding. "Hey, what is this?! You think you'd fool me?"  
Karlo then grabbed the three, opened the chest, pulled out Lois, and dropped the boys in, but Clark managed to get out of the giants grasp unnoticed and hold onto the chest as it was put on a high up shelf.  
Things looked pretty dark for the prisoners as Karlo locked the chest as Clark climbed up and prepared to try and get the key as Karlo dropped it in his pocket. Lois then smiled and began singing a soft soothing song to get Karlo to sleep.  
 _In my favorite dreams,  
Everyone is so delightful.  
No one's mean or spiteful.  
In my favorite dreams.  
_Lois then waved for Clark to move forward as Karlo got drowsy.  
 _Yes, and in my favorite dreams,  
There my heart can go romancing.  
Dancing to a heavenly theme.  
But there's something else I look forward to.  
It's a secret, but here's a clue.  
He's my favorite you-know-who.  
_He's the hero of my most favorite dreams.  
Clark then took a threading needle and stuck it on the floor of the self. He then used a twine he'd brought with him to go slowly down to the giant to get the key to free his friends and escape with Lois, Chloe, and Tess.  
As Karlo began to fall asleep, Clark landed on his shoulder and began to walk down.  
" _In his right breast pocket, you'll find the key._ " Lois sang, helping Clark out, and Clark nodded and began making his way to Karlo's right breast pocket. " _The right breast pocket. Go carefully._ "  
Lois then gasped when Clark fell in, but Clark was alright and was about to pull the key out when it got caught on a snuff box, so Clark had to give an almighty tug to free it, and that caused the whole thing of snuff to be released, and Clark let out a huge sneeze.  
This woke Karlo up, and he yelled, "I'll smash- AHCHOO!"  
Karlo then slammed his pocket and looked inside but no one was there.  
"Huh." Karlo said. "Nightmare."  
He then went back to sleep as Clark climbed back up the thread and made it to the shelf with the key, barely.

"He made it!" Bruce called out from the chest as he watched the whole thing from the key hole.  
"He did?" Oliver asked. "Great. Here he comes with the key."  
"Let me have it, Clark!" Bruce called out and accidentally got knocked in the mouth by the key.  
Clark then freed the two.

Things looked bright for the six teenagers as they left with Lois, Chloe and Tess, but Clark wasn't really to take chances. He tied Karlo's shoes together in case he woke up, which he did. Clark then finished tying the shoes and rushed off with his friends. While his friends rushed off to the beanstalk, Clark used a wine bottle cork to toss him to the beanstalk as his friends already managed to get there, and they were closely followed by Karlo. The six then hurried down the beanstalk as Bruce and Clark grabbed a saw and began cutting the beanstalk down as Oliver moved the girls as far away as possible. As Karlo was halfway down, the beanstalk was finally cut in two, and Karlo fell, screaming his head off. He smashed into the ground leaving a large indent on the ground, killing himself in the process.  
"Thank you." Lois said to the boys, but particularly to Clark.  
"You were all very brave." Chloe added.  
So with the princesses' return, happiness returned to Happy Valley, and the spot where Karlo fell became a grassy hill that remained a preservation in honor of the three young heroes. Oliver, Bruce, and Clark ended up staying and marrying Lois, Tess, and Chloe, and they all lived happily ever after.

Lana cheered as she clapped her hands.  
"Tell another one Daddy." Conner said eagerly.  
"Sorry kiddo, but your mom will kill me if I don't put you to sleep." Conner said. "Alright champ?"  
"Okay." Conner said as he went to sleep.  
"Night night." Terry said as Oliver, Bruce, and Clark left as Chloe, Tess, and Lois smiled and talked about their adventure together.

* * *

Karlo: Hey, has anyone seen a guy dressed like a spider?  
Me: No, I uh... (I pass out.)  
Jenny: Doug! Doug speak to me!  
Karlo: What's the matter with him? Something he ate?  
Robert: No, he'll be okay. Good night Basil.


End file.
